• Dr. Andre Blaylock

The Two Avoidant Attachment Styles.


Let's start by getting some understanding. The law of large numbers suggests that avoidants are in the dating pool more frequently and for longer stretches of time because they tend to end relationships more frequently. Avoidants tend to suppress emotions and “get over it” much quicker so that they can start dating again almost immediately.

Avoidants rarely date each other, at least not for long, because they lack the emotional glue to stay together. They tend to date peeps with different attachment styles. They will, most likely, not be dating secures. Secures are less available. Who does that leave? Yep. The Anxious.

Dismissive and Fearful/Anxious

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Dismissive-avoidants possess high self-esteem and a low assessment of others in a relationship.

They make poor relationship partners because they believe that they are truly self-sufficient. The more a dismissive’s partner requests intimacy and attention the more rejecting the dismissive becomes. They hold a false ideal of a past lover and no one is able to come close to “the one that got away”.

Fearful-avoidants crave intimacy with a partner but are afraid of being let down or abandoned. They have not completely given up on the prospect of love but when the relationship becomes too serious or their partner wants more intimacy, their fear may cause them to withdraw completely.

Fearful-avoidants exhibit signs such as:

*Drama filled relationships

* They pick out things that are wrong with their partner and focus on those things as an excuse to end the relationship then later regret the loss of the connection

*Resistance to commitment and intimacy

* They may prefer casual sex

* They may be unpredictable and shut down quickly

The good thing about attachment styles is that they can be modified. It’s going to be hard work but it is possible to change. Here are a few suggestions that will get you started on your journey.

Start a journal. Work towards vulnerable communication.

Focus on taking one vulnerable action each day, like admitting a weakness or asking your partner for help.

Finally, get in touch with how you're feeling when your partner wants to get closer and try to push back against your urge to pull away. Acknowledge the thought, acknowledge the discomfort, and choose to communicate with your partner and retain the connection despite the discomfort.


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